Archive for January, 2013

Review: Texas Chainsaw 3D

TrezSongz1

It’s pretty disheartening that this was the first movie I saw in 2013. I hold out hope that my movie going experience is only going to get better in the next few weeks. Because this movie was bad. Bad because it breaks the number one rule of horror films: It is boring. So boring I considered leaving about 3/4 of the way in. So bad that it doesn’t really deserve a full review. Instead, I will simply do a pros and cons list.

Pros: Shaun Sipos first appears as a sketchy hitch-hiker in the rain, wet. His tight cowboy shirt wide open to expose his fuzzy chest. Scott Eastwood plays a cocky, slightly untrustworthy deputy, and is just as sexy as his dad was about 50 years before he spoke to an empty chair at the RNC. Tey Songz is shirtless in two extended scenes.

At least TCM3D had lots of eye candy.

At least TCM3D had lots of eye candy.

Cons: Where to begin? Well, the story takes place about 20 years after the 1974 original, but the movie appears to be set in modern times (unless smart phones were in Texas 15 years before the rest of the world). A dumb, undeserving heroine who falls three times (despite having a clear path) while running from Leatherface and hides from him in a coffin instead of heading towards civilization. A lazy, nonsensical script that is bad even by slasher standards. A serious lack of suspense, scares, tension, or anything that one expects from a movie that’s supposed to be, you know, scary. But, worst of all, the filmmakers try to argue that Leatherface (who chainsaws a person in half) is actually a sympathetic character because angry yokels torched his home and killed his family. Seriously, the last thing the audience needs for Leatherface is pathos.

Still, I am sure this movie will rake in tons of money. And I’m sure there will be another sequel. And I am just as sure that I’ll be there opening day.

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January 6, 2013 at 4:17 pm Leave a comment

Horror Movie Hunk: Hart Bochner

HartBochner2

One great thing about the interwebs is that it allows people to connect with others who share the same peculiar interest. Growing up, I thought I was the only one who thought about the hunky D-listers who so frequently appeared in my favorite horror movies. Mostly these actors were unknown “talents” who pretty much remained unknown and, well, not so much “talents” as footnotes in the history of horror movies. Yes, we all know Kevin Bacon starred in the original Friday the 13th. But for every Kevin Bacon, there are hundreds of Bill Randolphs, who essentially recreated the Kevin Bacon role in F13 Part 2. (Actually, I learned this week that Bill Randolph works as a designer for the NY Daily News.) Over the last few years, I have found other bloggers who, like me, have a slightly unnerving knowledge of the unsung hunks who show up, get shirtless, and (usually) bumped off by a mask-wearing maniac or possessed puppet.  So, I guess this weird, crazy, demented quirky interest of mine isn’t so unusual after all. That’s why I am starting this regular feature called Horror Movie Hunk. And, who better to start with than Hart Bochner. 

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Naked in Apartment Zero

Sigh…Hart Bochner. Chiseled good looks, hairy chest, a never-ending smirk. He’s the bad boy of my dreams. Also, he’s had a bit of longevity in his career, including his role in the homoerotic urban thriller Apartment Zero opposite Colin Firth. But the first movie I ever saw Hart in was Terror Train, the 1980 slasher pic most notable for starring Jamie Lee Curtis (still in her scream queen days) and David Copperfield(!). The movie is pretty unoriginal (except it takes place on a moving train instead of a camp or the suburbs), so there’s no need for a plot summary. All you need to know is that Hunky Hart plays alpha male douchebag Doc Manley, the leader of a fraternity whose members are being stalked and murdered at a New Year’s Eve party held on a train. Damn, that was a plot summary. Oh, well. Hart is so gorgeous that the audience knows automatically to hate him. It also helps that the movie’s heroine (played by a paycheck-cashing JLC) constantly gets mad at Doc and storms away from him in disgust. Get it, he’s a bad guy! Supposedly the audience should rejoice when these d-bags get killed off. But, me? That’s usually the point I lose interest in the movie until the “final girl” showdown. Terror Train kind of cheats the audience, though. We don’t get to see Doc’s demise. The camera cuts away just before the killer’s knife does any damage to that perfect specimen of masculinity. Hmm, that might not be so bad, after all. This way, we can remember him in all his flawless glory. One note about the character’s name: Doc Manley. I must say that it’s both cheesy and embarrassingly swoon worthy at the same time.

Sure, I'll join you.

Sure, I’ll join you.

Doc in Terror Train. If only that were my hand.

Doc in Terror Train. If only that were my hand.

After Terror Train, Hart continued to act, write, and direct. He even showed up in the sequel to Urban Legends. Most people will probably remember him from Die Hard, though. And, guess what? He played another alpha male douchebag in that one. In real life, though, I am sure Handsome Hart is a good guy. in fact, Time magazine named him the greenest celebrities of 2008. All I have to say is he could compost me anytime he wanted to!

January 1, 2013 at 4:33 pm 2 comments



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