Review: Texas Chainsaw 3D

January 6, 2013 at 4:17 pm Leave a comment

TrezSongz1

It’s pretty disheartening that this was the first movie I saw in 2013. I hold out hope that my movie going experience is only going to get better in the next few weeks. Because this movie was bad. Bad because it breaks the number one rule of horror films: It is boring. So boring I considered leaving about 3/4 of the way in. So bad that it doesn’t really deserve a full review. Instead, I will simply do a pros and cons list.

Pros: Shaun Sipos first appears as a sketchy hitch-hiker in the rain, wet. His tight cowboy shirt wide open to expose his fuzzy chest. Scott Eastwood plays a cocky, slightly untrustworthy deputy, and is just as sexy as his dad was about 50 years before he spoke to an empty chair at the RNC. Tey Songz is shirtless in two extended scenes.

At least TCM3D had lots of eye candy.

At least TCM3D had lots of eye candy.

Cons: Where to begin? Well, the story takes place about 20 years after the 1974 original, but the movie appears to be set in modern times (unless smart phones were in Texas 15 years before the rest of the world). A dumb, undeserving heroine who falls three times (despite having a clear path) while running from Leatherface and hides from him in a coffin instead of heading towards civilization. A lazy, nonsensical script that is bad even by slasher standards. A serious lack of suspense, scares, tension, or anything that one expects from a movie that’s supposed to be, you know, scary. But, worst of all, the filmmakers try to argue that Leatherface (who chainsaws a person in half) is actually a sympathetic character because angry yokels torched his home and killed his family. Seriously, the last thing the audience needs for Leatherface is pathos.

Still, I am sure this movie will rake in tons of money. And I’m sure there will be another sequel. And I am just as sure that I’ll be there opening day.

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Entry filed under: Movies.

Horror Movie Hunk: Hart Bochner

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